Departures

Urban Mopplebottom (1917–1970)

Never did find the other sock.

was politely informed by the universe that time was up

5 mourners have signed the guestbook

Egbert Yarnspinner (1908–1934)

They finally found the exit.

was politely escorted off the mortal coil for repeated curfew violations

12 mourners have signed the guestbook

Thaddeus Grumblestein (1969–1995)

Autocorrected out of existence.

tripped over the finish line of an argument they were losing

8 mourners have signed the guestbook

Sherwood Lumpington (1935–1959)

Still five minutes late to this.

perished mid-nap, mid-argument, and mid-sentence, in that order

7 mourners have signed the guestbook

Ichabod Crumbleigh (1969–2042)

Last email marked "urgent." Wasn't.

was ambushed by a group text they never should have opened

13 mourners have signed the guestbook

Increase Wanglesworth (1922–1960)

The last word, as promised, was theirs.

fell victim to an unusually judgmental horoscope

13 mourners have signed the guestbook

Loretta Underpants (1908–1950)

Achieved inbox zero. At what cost.

was crushed under the weight of their own unfinished memoir

14 mourners have signed the guestbook

Seymour Tinklebury (1928–1994)

The Wi-Fi password dies with them.

succumbed to terminal indecision at a buffet

11 mourners have signed the guestbook

Fortunatus Gogglesnort (1972–2023)

They saw it coming and shrugged.

perished while insisting the map was wrong, not them

17 mourners have signed the guestbook

Clementine Kettlewhistle (1908–1988)

Last email marked "urgent." Wasn't.

was undone by their own "reply all"

18 mourners have signed the guestbook

Jemima Doodlebug (1905–1980)

Gone before the encore.

perished attempting a TikTok dance well past their prime

21 mourners have signed the guestbook

Yolanda Tootlesnout (1960–1986)

Their houseplants outlived their warranty.

was outlasted by a fruit fly in a battle of wills

21 mourners have signed the guestbook

Thaddeus Knobblesworth (1973–2045)

Their browser history remains a mystery, thankfully.

perished while attempting to prove a point nobody asked about

28 mourners have signed the guestbook

Agatha Fluttersby (1960–2025)

Gone before the encore.

was undone by a "final answer" that was, emphatically, not final

21 mourners have signed the guestbook

Persimmon Quibblesnort (1930–1958)

They finally got some peace and quiet.

was politely dethroned by a smarter thermostat

26 mourners have signed the guestbook

Mildred Higglethorpe (1938–1973)

They saw the glass as half full, then knocked it over.

perished mid-nap, achieving their life's dream

26 mourners have signed the guestbook

Kingsley Kringlebeck (1947–2002)

Retired undefeated, mostly by default.

tripped over a cliffhanger and never recovered

26 mourners have signed the guestbook

Lucian Zestington (1908–1966)

Went out swinging, missed.

wandered off to "check on something" decades ago and technically never returned

38 mourners have signed the guestbook

Prudence Fenwickle (1962–1996)

They said they were "fine."

died of embarrassment after a reply-all incident

24 mourners have signed the guestbook

Gwendolyn Muddlecombe (1921–2009)

They said they were "fine."

wandered into a Terms & Conditions and did not return

34 mourners have signed the guestbook