In Memoriam

Lucian Zestington

Went out swinging, missed.

Born	a breezy day in 1908, probably
Died	1966, rather abruptly
Cause	wandered off to "check on something" decades ago and technically never returned
Survived by	Several overdue library fines, inherited by no one in particular

It is with equal parts sorrow and mild scheduling inconvenience that we announce Lucian Zestington, aged 58. Their strongest opinion concerned the correct way to load a dishwasher. They are survived by one deeply unimpressed houseguest.

Guestbook — Letters to the Departed

1. Clyde D. writes:

“They never once admitted defeat, and I respect the commitment.”
2. Bonnie S. writes:

“They said they had "a guy" for everything. RIP to the guy's biggest client.”
3. A. Hole writes:

“Good person. Bad try.”
4. C. Moore writes:

“When you gotta go, you gotta go.”
5. Mabel L. writes:

“Honestly did not see this coming, and I say that as someone who saw everything coming.”
6. Gloria C. writes:

“RIP to the one person who actually read the terms and conditions.”
7. Kyle A. writes:

“Condolences aside, does anyone know what happens to their fantasy team now?”
8. Melvin Y. writes:

“Their last words to me were "hold my drink." I'm still holding it.”
9. Clyde H. writes:

“Signing this guestbook under protest, they still owe me fifty bucks.”
10. Grant G. writes:

“They were the group chat's unofficial mayor. Rest easy, sir.”
11. Brenda I. writes:

“Honestly this tracks. They lived like there was no tomorrow, and, well.”
12. Grant U. writes:

“Condolences to all, especially whoever inherits their spreadsheet.”
13. Nadia A. writes:

“They owed the whole group chat an apology. Guess we're square.”
14. Randy B. writes:

“Still can't believe they never returned my drill.”
15. Larry E. writes:

“They were one of one. Thank god, honestly.”
16. Irene R. writes:

“They were the only one who laughed at my terrible puns. RIP to that.”
17. Walt N. writes:

“Thoughts and prayers, and also please return my lawnmower.”
18. Wanda L. writes:

“They were undefeated at Scrabble and made sure everyone knew it.”
19. Gus S. writes:

“Gone but never fully explained.”
20. Bea H. writes:

“I'll never forget the time they microwaved fish at the office. Never.”
21. Neil Z. writes:

“Thoughts and prayers, and also please return my lawnmower.”
22. Dale G. writes:

“They were the group chat's unofficial mayor. Rest easy, sir.”
23. Ned M. writes:

“Thoughts and prayers, and also please return my lawnmower.”
24. Kathy P. writes:

“They said they'd slow down eventually. Bold of them to lie like that.”
25. Rex B. writes:

“They promised the group chat a reunion. Guess we're having one now.”
26. Jack N. writes:

“Thoughts and prayers, and also please return my lawnmower.”
27. Bev S. writes:

“Their last words to me were "hold my drink." I'm still holding it.”
28. Tammy F. writes:

“Condolences aside, does anyone know what happens to their fantasy team now?”
29. Bonnie N. writes:

“Miss them dearly, still annoyed about the thermostat wars.”
30. Ronald T. writes:

“They were the reason our group chat had a "no politics" rule.”
31. Sheila V. writes:

“They said they'd slow down eventually. Bold of them to lie like that.”
32. Vic R. writes:

“Every group chat needs a chaos gremlin. We just lost ours.”
33. Tex R. writes:

“I'll miss our weekly arguments about absolutely nothing.”
34. Jack D. writes:

“RIP to the one who always brought the good snacks.”
35. Frieda D. writes:

“They'd want us all to overreact slightly. So we are.”
36. Mabel D. writes:

“They would have wanted us to argue about the will. So. Here we are.”
37. Janice V. writes:

“They still have my charger. I want it back.”
38. Ernie R. writes:

“Never met someone so committed to being wrong loudly.”

Lucian Zestington

Guestbook — Letters to the Departed

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