In Memoriam

Ignatius Higglethorpe

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Born	a unremarkable day in 1921, probably
Died	2001, rather abruptly
Cause	drowned in a pool of their own unfinished to-do lists
Survived by	Several strongly worded group chats

In a turn of events nobody saw coming, least of all them, Ignatius Higglethorpe, aged 80. They once argued with a vending machine for twenty minutes and lost. They are survived by several strongly worded group chats.

Guestbook — Letters to the Departed

1. Kevin F. writes:

“Thoughts and prayers, and also please return my lawnmower.”
2. Dale R. writes:

“Thoughts and prayers, and also please return my lawnmower.”
3. Linda F. writes:

“Flying in from out of state just for the buffet. RIP.”
4. Carol F. writes:

“They owed me twenty bucks. I guess we're even now.”
5. Chad S. writes:

“Signing the guestbook because the group chat asked me to.”
6. Trevor B. writes:

“A legend. A menace. Occasionally both at once.”
7. Nelda O. writes:

“I'll never forget them arguing with a self-checkout machine for ten minutes.”
8. Stanley P. writes:

“They ruined every white elephant party and I respected that.”
9. Eugene D. writes:

“They were banned from three different bowling alleys, and I never asked why.”
10. Kyle R. writes:

“They said "see you at the next one." We're holding out hope they're right.”
11. Rita T. writes:

“Still waiting on that group photo they promised to send.”
12. Jonathan writes:

“RIP Tabs. You will me missed.”
13. Norris N. writes:

“They never once let me win at cards, and I respected the ruthlessness.”
14. Chester C. writes:

“Never forget them insisting the map app was wrong, every single time.”
15. Tammi C. writes:

“Condolences, but seriously, who's captaining the trivia team now?”
16. Carol B. writes:

“They were banned from three different bowling alleys, and I never asked why.”
17. Vic Q. writes:

“This feels sudden, but honestly they warned us for years.”
18. Ivan P. writes:

“Condolences aside, does anyone know what happens to their fantasy team now?”
19. Frank Q. writes:

“Miss them dearly, still confused about what they did for a living.”
20. Norman P. writes:

“I still owe them for that bet. Consider it a wash.”
21. Bonnie J. writes:

“Still can't believe they never returned my drill.”
22. Ronald P. writes:

“Their karaoke rendition lives on in several restraining orders. RIP.”
23. Kirk F. writes:

“I'm only here because they'd have wanted witnesses.”
24. Leon F. writes:

“Condolences to the family, and also to their unfinished fantasy draft.”
25. Woody Z. writes:

“They were the only one who laughed at my terrible puns. RIP to that.”
26. Andy X. writes:

“RIP to the one person who could parallel park on the first try.”
27. Bea X. writes:

“They were the reason our group chat had a "no politics" rule.”
28. Dale R. writes:

“RIP to the one who always brought the good snacks.”
29. Ollie U. writes:

“I'll never forget the time they microwaved fish at the office. Never.”
30. Cheryl Y. writes:

“RIP to the one who always brought the good snacks.”
31. Earl N. writes:

“Never a dull moment. Except now, apparently.”
32. Mick F. writes:

“Condolences, but seriously, who's captaining the trivia team now?”
33. Mabel P. writes:

“They owed the whole group chat an apology. Guess we're square.”
34. Alvin R. writes:

“Signing this guestbook under protest, they still owe me fifty bucks.”
35. Blanche D. writes:

“They promised to pay me back "next payday" for over a decade.”
36. Sherry A. writes:

“Their last words to me were "hold my drink." I'm still holding it.”
37. Vera T. writes:

“They were the only one who laughed at my terrible puns. RIP to that.”
38. Arnold N. writes:

“They said they'd call me back. Bold claim in retrospect.”

Ignatius Higglethorpe

Guestbook — Letters to the Departed

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