In Memoriam

Alistair Ottersnout

Left the oven on, and this world.

Born	a muggy day in 1970, probably
Died	2033, rather abruptly
Cause	drowned in a pool of their own unfinished to-do lists
Survived by	A garden gnome collection of unclear provenance

Following a brief but dramatic altercation with fate, Alistair Ottersnout, aged 63. Their proudest achievement was a personal record of 14 unread emails, which stood for a decade. They are survived by a houseplant named after a minor deity.

Guestbook — Letters to the Departed

1. Nigel B. writes:

“A legend. A menace. Occasionally both at once.”
2. Wayne T. writes:

“We didn't always get along but wow, this escalated.”
3. Diane F. writes:

“Signing the guestbook because the group chat asked me to.”
4. Kevin W. writes:

“Flying in from out of state just for the buffet. RIP.”
5. Chad F. writes:

“RIP to a real one. Or at least a memorable one.”
6. Iris C. writes:

“They said they'd never retire. Well.”
7. Deb J. writes:

“This is why you always double check the group chat before making plans.”
8. Lonnie W. writes:

“Rest in peace to the last person who understood my jokes.”
9. Vera F. writes:

“Miss them dearly, still annoyed about the thermostat wars.”
10. Kip I. writes:

“Their karaoke rendition lives on in several restraining orders. RIP.”
11. Deb O. writes:

“RIP to the one who always brought the good snacks.”
12. Keith G. writes:

“The office will never recover from losing its best conspiracy theorist.”
13. Warren K. writes:

“RIP to a real one. Or at least a memorable one.”
14. Earl Y. writes:

“They said they'd never retire. Well.”
15. Kip F. writes:

“They'd want us all to overreact slightly. So we are.”
16. Vera E. writes:

“They were the group chat's unofficial mayor. Rest easy, sir.”
17. Ollie K. writes:

“RIP to the last one who could make the whole room laugh on command.”
18. Myrna D. writes:

“They said "famous last words" right before saying famous last words.”
19. Sheila Q. writes:

“They said they'd slow down eventually. Bold of them to lie like that.”
20. Shirley J. writes:

“RIP to the last person who could beat me at darts.”
21. Phyllis C. writes:

“Still can't believe they left mid-argument. Classic.”
22. Lois D. writes:

“Never met anyone who committed to a bit quite like they did.”
23. Flo C. writes:

“They said this town wasn't big enough for both of us. Guess they won.”
24. Eugene O. writes:

“Honestly thought they'd outlive us all out of spite alone.”
25. Cliff A. writes:

“Condolences, but also, does anyone know their Netflix password?”
26. Otto C. writes:

“They were banned from karaoke night and never once apologized.”
27. Elton J. writes:

“Never met someone so committed to being wrong loudly.”
28. Lyle Q. writes:

“Still can't believe they missed their own retirement party for this.”
29. Grady O. writes:

“Rest in peace to the last honest man at the used car lot.”

Alistair Ottersnout

Guestbook — Letters to the Departed

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