In Memoriam

Cornelius Snodgrass

Left the oven on, and this world.

Born	a muggy day in 1903, probably
Died	1970, rather abruptly
Cause	lost a staring contest with a Roomba, then their soul
Survived by	A houseplant named after a minor deity

In a turn of events nobody saw coming, least of all them, Cornelius Snodgrass, aged 67. They never once admitted to being wrong, and went out exactly the same way. They are survived by a houseplant named after a minor deity.

Guestbook — Letters to the Departed

1. Kevin K. writes:

“A legend. A menace. Occasionally both at once.”
2. Gary K. writes:

“I'll never forget the time they microwaved fish at the office. Never.”
3. Nigel S. writes:

“We didn't always get along but wow, this escalated.”
4. Wendy N. writes:

“They promised to pay me back "next payday" for over a decade.”
5. Walt P. writes:

“They promised to fix my sink "next weekend" for three years running.”
6. Ned I. writes:

“They said they'd slow down eventually. Bold of them to lie like that.”
7. Quinton O. writes:

“Signing this guestbook under protest, they still owe me fifty bucks.”
8. Janice S. writes:

“Never forget them heckling the ref at every single game.”
9. Kirk M. writes:

“Rest in peace to the last honest man at the used car lot.”
10. Marge X. writes:

“Their last words to me were "hold my drink." I'm still holding it.”
11. Rex H. writes:

“Their group chat presence cannot be replaced. Please do not try.”
12. Selma P. writes:

“RIP to the one who always finished the office snacks first.”
13. Kip H. writes:

“Bold strategy, leaving before the group vacation.”
14. Ora T. writes:

“Never met anyone so proud of a personal best they set alone.”
15. Kevin N. writes:

“Thoughts and prayers, and also please return my lawnmower.”
16. Jolene E. writes:

“They said "watch this" right before this happened, allegedly.”
17. Ira F. writes:

“RIP to the one person who actually read the terms and conditions.”
18. Toby G. writes:

“They owed the whole group chat an apology. Guess we're square.”
19. Hank G. writes:

“They told the same three stories at every party. Miss those stories.”
20. Zelda Y. writes:

“I inherited their unfinished crossword. Still stuck on 14 across.”
21. Sheila Y. writes:

“We didn't always get along but wow, this escalated.”
22. Wendy L. writes:

“They ruined every white elephant party and I respected that.”
23. Cheryl G. writes:

“They promised to visit "soon." We're going to hold them to that, somehow.”
24. Gus G. writes:

“Gone but never fully explained.”
25. Jack I. writes:

“RIP to a real one. Or at least a memorable one.”
26. Norris Y. writes:

“Condolences, and also, someone needs to cancel their gym membership.”
27. Tammi S. writes:

“Rest in peace to the last honest man at the used car lot.”
28. Janice M. writes:

“Their group chat presence cannot be replaced. Please do not try.”
29. Joyce E. writes:

“They still owe me a favor. Filing this as unresolved business.”
30. Sheila E. writes:

“They'd want a moment of silence, then immediate gossip. Let's begin.”
31. Barry A. writes:

“They said they'd call me back. Bold claim in retrospect.”
32. Odell M. writes:

“Condolences to all, especially whoever inherits their spreadsheet.”
33. Chip X. writes:

“They were undefeated at Scrabble and made sure everyone knew it.”

Cornelius Snodgrass

Guestbook — Letters to the Departed

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