In Memoriam

Bartholomew Fenwickle

The snooze button finally won.

Born	a suspicious day in 1945, probably
Died	2040, rather abruptly
Cause	perished attempting to return a shopping cart to the corral
Survived by	Three ex-roommates who are, frankly, relieved

After a long and largely undocumented life, Bartholomew Fenwickle, aged 95. Friends describe them as "loud," "unforgettable," and "always five minutes late". They are survived by a garden gnome collection of unclear provenance.

Guestbook — Letters to the Departed

1. Brenda T. writes:

“They owed me twenty bucks. I guess we're even now.”
2. Nigel S. writes:

“A legend. A menace. Occasionally both at once.”
3. Brenda W. writes:

“RIP to a real one. Or at least a memorable one.”
4. Sharon T. writes:

“RIP to a real one. Or at least a memorable one.”
5. Kevin T. writes:

“Gone but never fully explained.”
6. Pam K. writes:

“We didn't always get along but wow, this escalated.”
7. Me writes:

“Fuck 'em”
8. Bev O. writes:

“Never met anyone who committed to a bit quite like they did.”
9. Nigel V. writes:

“This is why you always double check the group chat before making plans.”
10. Earl F. writes:

“They were one of one. Thank god, honestly.”
11. Alan K. writes:

“They said they'd never retire. Well.”
12. Jean I. writes:

“Rest in peace to the last person who understood my jokes.”
13. Skip X. writes:

“We didn't always get along but wow, this escalated.”
14. Norman J. writes:

“Miss them dearly, still confused about what they did for a living.”
15. Hilda C. writes:

“Rest in peace to the last person who understood my jokes.”
16. Grady T. writes:

“RIP to the one who always finished the office snacks first.”
17. Ivan A. writes:

“Still can't believe they left before finishing the story. Typical.”
18. Melvin L. writes:

“Loved them dearly, still want my ladder back.”
19. Ned Y. writes:

“Condolences, but seriously, who's captaining the trivia team now?”
20. Nelda A. writes:

“Condolences, but also, does anyone know their Netflix password?”
21. Vera R. writes:

“They were the reason our fantasy league had rules in the first place.”
22. Franny K. writes:

“This is why you always double check the group chat before making plans.”
23. Franny C. writes:

“They said "I've got this" right before every disaster. Miss that energy.”
24. Yolanda T. writes:

“I'll always remember the parking lot incident. They know which one.”
25. Keith J. writes:

“They said "trust me" one too many times, and yet, here we are.”
26. Mick C. writes:

“I'll miss our weekly arguments about absolutely nothing.”
27. Grant W. writes:

“Still can't believe they never returned my drill.”
28. Deb N. writes:

“Never met anyone so proud of a personal best they set alone.”
29. Kathy U. writes:

“They said they'd call me back. Bold claim in retrospect.”
30. Ollie J. writes:

“Condolences, but also, does anyone know their Netflix password?”
31. Perry E. writes:

“They never once let me win at cards, and I respected the ruthlessness.”
32. Janice D. writes:

“Never forget the great Thanksgiving gravy dispute. They started it.”
33. Helen X. writes:

“They were "reply guy" energy incarnate. Miss that.”
34. Gus X. writes:

“This feels sudden, but honestly they warned us for years.”
35. Clyde A. writes:

“Never met anyone who could argue with a GPS quite like them.”
36. Kyle D. writes:

“Rest in peace to the last person who understood my jokes.”
37. Helga L. writes:

“Rest easy. Or don't. Not my problem anymore.”
38. Verna D. writes:

“They never once admitted defeat, and I respect the commitment.”
39. Vera L. writes:

“This explains why they didn't show up to book club.”
40. Jack I. writes:

“RIP to the last person who could beat me at darts.”
41. Terry L. writes:

“They would have wanted us to argue about the will. So. Here we are.”
42. Grady I. writes:

“Can't believe they went before paying me back for lunch.”
43. Donna A. writes:

“They told the best worst jokes. This one's on them.”
44. Lonnie P. writes:

“Still owe them an apology. Guess that ship has sailed.”
45. Cliff U. writes:

“They were undefeated in every argument they refused to actually finish.”
46. Doreen X. writes:

“RIP to the one person who could parallel park on the first try.”
47. Sherry U. writes:

“They said they had "a guy" for everything. RIP to the guy's biggest client.”

Bartholomew Fenwickle

Guestbook — Letters to the Departed

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